She gave me her smile and handed me a pile of paper she did not need for the application.
'Huh? Oh... yea it is, thanks!'
If it wasn't because of that lovely lady at TLScontact who proceed my visa application, I wouldn't realised that my birthday was nearing at that time.
I decided to stop celebrating my birthday since three or four years ago. I do not want to get attached to something superficial. I still love to tell people that my birthday is near just for the sake of not frowned upon (once I told my friend about it that I hate the idea of remembering my birthday or any other my "special" day and he looked at me like I'm mad and I saw a slight of pity). The weird thing is, I love celebrating someone else's birthday.
I still can't figure it out, why I suddenly hate the idea of commemorating my birthday, but while I type this, one reason cross my mind: I don't want to create some memories I would forget anyway, other people would forget anyway. Remembering things requires you to digging a hole in your heart, fill it with a bunch of emotions and snapshots of those moments. Then, what will happen if you forget about it, you just left with a void hole, which, who knows, it may consume you in the end, just like a black hole. You may also get mistaken, when you visit your memory lane, you think those holes contains pleasant emotions turns out you can only taste the bitterness of life. Are we still talking about birthday celebration?
But hey, it is just me.
Happy birthday.
Sunday, March 03, 2019
It has been a year, 2018 was tiring, and it didn't even feel right to rant.
My first writing about Korean culture wasn't about k-pop or anything near that. it was about suicide, and it was the first thing drawn me to learn more about it. How their society works in a way that this country, despite its rapid development became one of the countries with high suicide rate. At that time, I’ve only read a few articles about how those three people take their own life. I didn’t feel particular pain or sadness while reading and writing.
Four years later, I’m writing with grief and tears. About the death of one person. He took his own life after relentlessly fighting over his mental illness. He sook helps, he tried, and now I really hope he can finally rest.
One of the songs he wrote, has helped me went through one of the most difficult time of my life.
It hits me so hard I was shacking when I first learn the news about his death. I’m not his fans or anything. I barely listen to his group or himself, but I know he was a good person. He stood up for the minority while it might harm his image as an idol. He consoled those in needs while he opened up about his mental state, he fought, and he worked so hard for staying alive. Despite all of that, he still managed to touch thousand through his sincere works.
The song title is Breathe, sing by Lee Hi. When I heard it for the first time, it soothed me, when I read the English translation, I cried. The song is literally talking about encouraging people to breathe. More to that, the lyrics told you that it is ok not to be perfect all the time, that people make mistake, and he (as I in the lyrics) will always be there to hold you, and understand you without saying nonsense like ‘everything is going to be ok’. Now, I feel that he need someone like that side of him, for himself. I guess what they say is right, about how people who give out the most, is actually who need it.
When I’m writing this, it’s been more than 24 hours.
After his company released an official statement regarding the tragedy, I was trying to stop myself from reading anything further about it. But then I was starting to feel it’s ok to at least read about the funeral ceremony or such. I was wrong. Accidentally, I read the English translation of his last letter to his friend (and sister if I’m not mistaken) he sent it to them right before he took his own life.
It breaks me. I should have stopped. I can relate to everything he wrote, every single line. I couldn’t stop reading and shaking, I cried, for someone who didn’t even know I’m breathing, even though his work, is one of the reason. That song he wrote, came to me when I need someone to pat my back, and it did. It came at the perfect time, and help me hanging around picking up my sanity while letting me feel it is ok to be vulnerable.
Below is the English translation of his song, Breathe.
Take a deep breath Until both sides of your heart get numb Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more Until you feel
like there’s nothing left inside It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you
It’s alright if you run out of breath No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you
Even if others think your sigh Takes out energy and strength I already know That you had a day that’s hard enough To let out even a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else Let out a deep sigh Just let it out like that
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you You really did a good job
Thank you, have a good rest, you really did a good job.
Refer back to my 2013 post, I still have the same message, be kind, if you never came across that thoughts, good, now you can help them who struggle every day to shut those voices.
