She gave me her smile and handed me a pile of paper she did not need for the application.
'Huh? Oh... yea it is, thanks!'
If it wasn't because of that lovely lady at TLScontact who proceed my visa application, I wouldn't realised that my birthday was nearing at that time.
I decided to stop celebrating my birthday since three or four years ago. I do not want to get attached to something superficial. I still love to tell people that my birthday is near just for the sake of not frowned upon (once I told my friend about it that I hate the idea of remembering my birthday or any other my "special" day and he looked at me like I'm mad and I saw a slight of pity). The weird thing is, I love celebrating someone else's birthday.
I still can't figure it out, why I suddenly hate the idea of commemorating my birthday, but while I type this, one reason cross my mind: I don't want to create some memories I would forget anyway, other people would forget anyway. Remembering things requires you to digging a hole in your heart, fill it with a bunch of emotions and snapshots of those moments. Then, what will happen if you forget about it, you just left with a void hole, which, who knows, it may consume you in the end, just like a black hole. You may also get mistaken, when you visit your memory lane, you think those holes contains pleasant emotions turns out you can only taste the bitterness of life. Are we still talking about birthday celebration?
But hey, it is just me.
Happy birthday.
Sunday, March 03, 2019
It has been a year, 2018 was tiring, and it didn't even feel right to rant.
My first writing about Korean culture wasn't about k-pop or anything near that. it was about suicide, and it was the first thing drawn me to learn more about it. How their society works in a way that this country, despite its rapid development became one of the countries with high suicide rate. At that time, I’ve only read a few articles about how those three people take their own life. I didn’t feel particular pain or sadness while reading and writing.
Four years later, I’m writing with grief and tears. About the death of one person. He took his own life after relentlessly fighting over his mental illness. He sook helps, he tried, and now I really hope he can finally rest.
One of the songs he wrote, has helped me went through one of the most difficult time of my life.
It hits me so hard I was shacking when I first learn the news about his death. I’m not his fans or anything. I barely listen to his group or himself, but I know he was a good person. He stood up for the minority while it might harm his image as an idol. He consoled those in needs while he opened up about his mental state, he fought, and he worked so hard for staying alive. Despite all of that, he still managed to touch thousand through his sincere works.
The song title is Breathe, sing by Lee Hi. When I heard it for the first time, it soothed me, when I read the English translation, I cried. The song is literally talking about encouraging people to breathe. More to that, the lyrics told you that it is ok not to be perfect all the time, that people make mistake, and he (as I in the lyrics) will always be there to hold you, and understand you without saying nonsense like ‘everything is going to be ok’. Now, I feel that he need someone like that side of him, for himself. I guess what they say is right, about how people who give out the most, is actually who need it.
When I’m writing this, it’s been more than 24 hours.
After his company released an official statement regarding the tragedy, I was trying to stop myself from reading anything further about it. But then I was starting to feel it’s ok to at least read about the funeral ceremony or such. I was wrong. Accidentally, I read the English translation of his last letter to his friend (and sister if I’m not mistaken) he sent it to them right before he took his own life.
It breaks me. I should have stopped. I can relate to everything he wrote, every single line. I couldn’t stop reading and shaking, I cried, for someone who didn’t even know I’m breathing, even though his work, is one of the reason. That song he wrote, came to me when I need someone to pat my back, and it did. It came at the perfect time, and help me hanging around picking up my sanity while letting me feel it is ok to be vulnerable.
Below is the English translation of his song, Breathe.
Take a deep breath Until both sides of your heart get numb Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more Until you feel
like there’s nothing left inside It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you
It’s alright if you run out of breath No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you
Even if others think your sigh Takes out energy and strength I already know That you had a day that’s hard enough To let out even a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else Let out a deep sigh Just let it out like that
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you You really did a good job
Thank you, have a good rest, you really did a good job.
Refer back to my 2013 post, I still have the same message, be kind, if you never came across that thoughts, good, now you can help them who struggle every day to shut those voices.
Somehow "Sometimes it's better left unsaid." is not fair. How about the other party, they should have know the complete story.
Well, sometimes we just need to know. So we can erase unimportant bad assumptions.
I am aware, that, even if I knew, it won't change a thing. I just need to know why.
Yes, why that shit happened.
Kadang kita egois, merasa tau yang terbaik untuk orang lain. Menganggap tindakan kita yang paling tepat atas nama kebahagiaan orang lain. Entah apa alasannya. Kadang saya cuma ingin tau kenapa, dan ngga akan menjatuhkan vonis apa-apa. Toh sudah tidak penting lagi, karna nyatanya semuanya bisa berjalan sekarang. However, once again,after all this time, I will keep questioning some of them.Dan cara paling kekanan-kanakan yang masih saya lakukan untuk mencegah semua hal yang bisa membuat saya mempertanyakan hal-hal yang telah lewat, adalah memutus semua hal yang bisa menjadi pemicu percakapan kosong di otak. Seorang teman pernah bilang, "Kenapa ya engga bisa kayak komputer, klik kanan terus langsung 'delete' gitu." That, my dear, is the first world problem.
They say curiosity killed the cat, I know. But just so you know, satisfaction bring him back.
When she is hesitating, the wave of uncertainty comes and swallow her. She is floating in the middle of her thought with nowhere to go. Strangely, she can still hear all the clock in the world ticking, reminding her that she has less time left. Panicking, she grabs the nearest branch she can reach, hoping that poor fragile thing can rescue her from the whirlpool of despair. Does she survive? That's the story I need to find out, after I can crawl my heart out of this haunting old memories.
In the midst of all of that, I hope she finally found out that she should not take the journey in the beginning, it is not worth the risk, knowing in the end, she will stay the same. Sane and beautiful, my ray of sunshine. It is a shame that she will never understand how her existence is my reason for keeping my feet on the ground, not hanging on some empty promises.
Kita tidak pernah benar-benar pergi.
Bersamaan dengan kopor-kopor yang disiapkan (yang di dalamnya ada bumbu instan yang rasanya tak pernah asli) ada sidik jarimu tersisa.
Di balik riak airmata di bandara, selalu ada doa tersemat.
Kemarin akan jadi hari yang disilang merah.
Kilometer memang bisa ditukar dengan rupiah yang tidak sedikit.
Tidak sedikit, itu kuncinya.
Tak sepadan, toh rindu tak bisa habis dalam semalam (atau dua, tiga malam).
Ada satu mantra yang tidak pernah lepas.
Kita tau kapan kita akan kembali.
Dan ke mana bukan lagi jadi kata tanya.
[1 January 2017 13:40] I think this is the right time, not too early, not too late that I think about it too much...
*tap* *tap* Hi, Happy Birthday! Wish you all the good things in life! Ehm, to cliche... better to add something to make it more personal.
*tap* *tap* *tap* Hi J, Happy 25th Birthday! Wish you all the good things in life! All right, all I need is to click send and leave it.
*tap* *send*
[1 January 2017 15:10]
*phone buzzing*
Oh no, is it...
*tap* *tap* Open? Yes.
15:10 Sender: J Hi, thank you very much :)
But I'm so sorry, I think I lost your number, who is this? :)
I knew it, never mind, you've already lost me a long time ago.
***
[1 January 2017 13:44] Another Birthday, huh? Just another fine day...
*phone buzzing*
1 Text Message
Oh... Is that...
13:44
Sender: S
Hi J, Happy 25th Birthday! Wish you all the good things in life!
Why would S bother to remember... What should I do? S really shouldn't. I. Can't.
*tap* *tap* Oh, well, you still remember my birthday! You don't really need to text me but thanks anyway! :) Shit, am I crazy? No no I better cut this, clean and fine... Oh damn, I should hold it, not that I'm waiting or what... Right?
*tap* *tap* [1 January 2017 15:09]
*tap* *tap* Hi, thanks for the birthday wishes :)
But I'm so sorry, I think I lost your number, who is this?
*tap* *send* It's... okay, right? Not too harsh isn't? I added a smiley anyway, should be enough.
***
[31 December 2016 22:12]
Message > Draft
*tap* Hey, you know tomorrow is my birthday, since I always spend it with you I feel like kinda text you hehe no reason but anyway, how's life? I don't even know how's life without you... Isn't that what we always do? We life our live without knowing it beforehand. So I think I could live my life well, could I?
Teman masa-masa remaja -waktu hal yang paling dikhawatirkan adalah bagaimana cara teman saya bisa dekat dengan sahabat saya yang sudah menolaknya- kini sedang menunggu kelahiran anak pertamanya. Teman dekat yang juga mantan 'high school sweetheart' sahabat saya yang lain tahun lalu saya hadiri pernikahannya (lebih tepatnya bantuin motret). Kakak kelas saya yang dulu bareng-bareng ikut kunjungan ke Korea beberapa bulan lalu update instagram dengan foto-foto bulan madunya ke Gummy. Terakhir, senior di SMA yang ngga sampai enam bulan lalu membicarakan teman-temannya yang memutuskan untuk menikah (muda), kemarin bilang ada rencana untuk akad nikah tahun depan. Seperti biasa "how time flies" selalu terucap kalau sudah begini. Biasanya diiringi dengan ucapan "serem abis kenapa dah" "gila ga pada takut apa".
Kali ini lain.
Saya cukup menggenggam (ini kiasan, dia nggak suka tangannya digenggam risih katanya) tangannya lebih erat. Untuk pertama kalinya saya percaya, dengan janji bersama saya akan baik-baik saja.
Aku pernah membaca potongan artikel (sepertinya salah satu akun twitter yang membicarakan fakta-fakta yang berdasar Google – bukannya aku tidak percaya) yang membahas bahwa ketika kita memikirkan suatu kejadian di masa lampau, sesungguhnya yang kita ingat adalah memori terakhir tentang peristiwa itu, alih-alih kejadian yang sesungguhnya. Misalnya, aku diminta menceritakan kembali tentang hari pertama masuk SMA, yang kemudian aku utarakan akan berasal dari terakhir kali aku mengingat kejadian itu (yang tentu saja sudah agak berubah dari peristiwa aslinya – bukannya aku punya ingatan fotografis atau apa – seperti ketika suatu kisah diceritakan untuk kesekian kalinya). Jadi jika aku mengingat kejadian tersebut sepuluh kali maka yang akan aku ingat untuk ke sebelas kalinya akan berdasar dari memori kesepuluh itu, bukannya kembali lagi mengingat kejadian sesungguhnya. Singkatnya, kita mungkin membuat ingatan kita sendiri. Kita menciptakan memori-memori itu dari remah-remah yag tersimpan, dari pendar-pendar yang meredup perlahan (atau tiba-tiba, bisa saja).
Selain itu, aku pernah bertanya pada temanku yang lulusan psikologi, mengapa agaknya aku hanya mengingat sebagian dari persitiwa-peristiwa yang terjadi di masa kecilku walaupun sebenarnya kejadian-kejadian itu penting? Temanku bilang bahwa mungkin saja otakku menyaring peristiwa-peristiwa tertentu (yang tidak kuingat) sebagai hal yang buruk, dan otak cenderung melindungi diri sendiri dengan tidak mengingat kejadian-kejadian yang menyakitkan itu (bahkan kesadaranmu tidak sepenuhnya bisa kau kendalikan).
Terakhir, tidakkah adegan flashback di drama televisi menggelikan? Si pemain akan memulai adegan itu dengan menatap kosong lalu cut-in ke klip-klip lama (yang dipotong dengan pergantian yang cepat). Anehnya klip tersebut menampilkan kacamata orang ketiga (atau dari kacamata pemain lain) bukannya dari sudut pandang si pemain itu sendiri (paham kan maksudku, seperti adegan yang menampakkan wajah si pemain – kau kan tidak bisa melihat wajahmu sendiri tanpa bantuan cermin, dan atau punggungmu). Tentu saja ini masalah teknis dan penonton pasti tidak akan menulis komentar negatif untuk ini. Tetap saja aku sering menganggap ini aneh, sampai kemudian aku mengalami sendiri. Saat aku benar-benar berusaha mengingat suatu kejadian aku mencitrakannya dalam otak dari sudut pandang orang ketiga. Aku mengingat bagaimana posisi orang-orang dalam adegan itu seakan aku tau apa yang dibelakang punggungku dan apa yang di sudut mataku dengan baik. Seperti ada kamera live yang menyuplai ingatanku. Semuanya mengabur dan menyaru.
Hal-hal diatas membuatku berpikir (atau mengingat? Soalnya aku sudah lama menyusun ini hanya selalu terlewatkan untuk kutulis), begitu lemahnya manusia dan kesadarannya yang dianggap membuatnya istimewa. Begitu diagung-agungkan dalam berbagai peradaban tapi sebenarnya lemah dan tersamar. Juga, tak perlu terlalu khawatir orang lain akan mengkhianatimu, menikam dari belakang. Toh kita sudah dilatih, setiap menit, otakmu sudah mengelabuhimu, melemahkan pijakanmu, menusukkan pelan-pelan jarum tipis ingatan.
Sahabatku putus cinta. Katanya sudah seminggu dia putus dengan pacarnya, lalu tidak berkomunikasi lagi. Awalnya aku diam saja, berkomentar pun tidak. Dia sudah pernah begini, woro-woro putus hubungan lalu dua hari kemudian kembali berpacaran. Tapi yang kali ini tidak, dia benar-benar putus dan tidak ada kemungkinan kembali berpacaran lagi. Topik ini jadi bahan lelucon di grup Line kami.
Ditengah hal-hal lucu yang dibicarakan -bagaimana mantan pacar sahabatku membuat hidup kami menjadi tidak tenang, atau bagaimana nasib teman kami yang bakalan menjadi gendut karna patah hati membuat orang ingin makan terus- aku jadi mengingat-ingat rasanya patah hati.
Sejujurnya aku tidak begitu ingat rasanya patah hati atau putus cinta. Karna buatku itu bukan perasaan sekejap yang datang tiba-tiba. Buatku, patah hati itu proses, pelan-pelan menggerogoti dari dalam.
Orang bisa saja mengingat tanggal putus mereka, tapi mereka tidak pernah benar-benar yakin kapan harapan-harapan itu mulai hilang satu persatu atau kapan nada bicara mereka mulai meninggi sedikit demi sedikit. Kita (aku) sering tidak sadar kalau perasaan itu rapuh, dan hancurnya perlahan-lahan. Tidak seperti gambar-gambar ilustrasi di mana ada lambang hati terbagi dua. Seiring dengan janji yang diingkari, kebohongan-kebohongan kecil yang dibuat, nada bicara yang meninggi, air mata yang diseka diam-diam, hati yang sering dielu-elukan ini mulai merapuh.
Persis seperti iklan susu kalsium untuk lansia.
Friday, November 01, 2013
Dipikir lagi, orang jatuh cinta itu seperti kelekatu* ya. Sudah banyak yang menjadi contoh -bahwa yang terlihat terang dan populer, akhirnya hanya memberi cacat- tapi tetap saja yang muda mendekat.
Orang jatuh cinta juga begitu. Merasa muda dan berhak, lalu dikerjarnya yang paling berkilau -beberapa kembali penuh luka, sisanya tak terdengar- menganggap dirinya spesial, merasa sama berkilaunya. Padahal, apa pernah kamu melihat ada kelekatu yang berbeda dan istimewa? Di depan cinta, kita semua sama. Bedanya, koloni kelekatu itu hanya keluar saat musim penghujan. Orang-orang itu, jatuh cinta setiap hari.
*) Sejenis anai-anai bersayap/laron (jw)
Monday, October 28, 2013
Sampai kapan mau terbatasi oleh kesukaan orang lain?
Started by Boyfriend call at midnight, wake up in the morning to flowers and friends, walked around the stores with boyfriend for my birthday present, ended by a surprise party by lover and friends at Danang's (with Dita playing happy-birthday song on background). Oh, and last birthday hug & kisses at night.
