Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Tears dried, Feelings Lingered

My first writing about Korean culture wasn't about k-pop or anything near that. it was about suicide, and it was the first thing drawn me to learn more about it. How their society works in a way that this country, despite its rapid development became one of the countries with high suicide rate. At that time, I’ve only read a few articles about how those three people take their own life. I didn’t feel particular pain or sadness while reading and writing.

Four years later, I’m writing with grief and tears. About the death of one person. He took his own life after relentlessly fighting over his mental illness. He sook helps, he tried, and now I really hope he can finally rest.

One of the songs he wrote, has helped me went through one of the most difficult time of my life.

It hits me so hard I was shacking when I first learn the news about his death. I’m not his fans or anything. I barely listen to his group or himself, but I know he was a good person. He stood up for the minority while it might harm his image as an idol. He consoled those in needs while he opened up about his mental state, he fought, and he worked so hard for staying alive. Despite all of that, he still managed to touch thousand through his sincere works.

The song title is Breathe, sing by Lee Hi. When I heard it for the first time, it soothed me, when I read the English translation, I cried. The song is literally talking about encouraging people to breathe. More to that, the lyrics told you that it is ok not to be perfect all the time, that people make mistake, and he (as I in the lyrics) will always be there to hold you, and understand you without saying nonsense like ‘everything is going to be ok’. Now, I feel that he need someone like that side of him, for himself. I guess what they say is right, about how people who give out the most, is actually who need it.

When I’m writing this, it’s been more than 24 hours.

After his company released an official statement regarding the tragedy, I was trying to stop myself from reading anything further about it. But then I was starting to feel it’s ok to at least read about the funeral ceremony or such. I was wrong. Accidentally, I read the English translation of his last letter to his friend (and sister if I’m not mistaken) he sent it to them right before he took his own life.

It breaks me. I should have stopped. I can relate to everything he wrote, every single line. I couldn’t stop reading and shaking, I cried, for someone who didn’t even know I’m breathing, even though his work, is one of the reason. That song he wrote, came to me when I need someone to pat my back, and it did. It came at the perfect time, and help me hanging around picking up my sanity while letting me feel it is ok to be vulnerable.

Below is the English translation of his song, Breathe.
Take a deep breath Until both sides of your heart get numb Until it hurts a little 
Let out your breath even more Until you feel like there’s nothing left inside It’s alright if you run out of breath 
No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so  
Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words  
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you  
It’s alright if you run out of breath No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so  
Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words 
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath It’s alright I’ll hold you 
Even if others think your sigh Takes out energy and strength I already know That you had a day that’s hard enough To let out even a small sigh 
Now don’t think of anything else Let out a deep sigh Just let it out like that 
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath How can I see through that? Though I can’t understand your breath  
It’s alright I’ll hold you You really did a good job 

Thank you, have a good rest, you really did a good job.

Refer back to my 2013 post, I still have the same message, be kind, if you never came across that thoughts, good, now you can help them who struggle every day to shut those voices.

For those who worried, I'm ok now, trying to pick up my pace but I'm hanging. 

Oh, and happy new year.

Saturday, April 08, 2017

Typical Midnight Conversation with B

Somehow "Sometimes it's better left unsaid." is not fair. How about the other party, they should have know the complete story. 

Well, sometimes we just need to know. So we can erase unimportant bad assumptions.

I am aware, that, even if I knew, it won't change a thing. I just need to know why.

Yes, why that shit happened.

Kadang kita egois, merasa tau yang terbaik untuk orang lain. Menganggap tindakan kita yang paling tepat atas nama kebahagiaan orang lain. Entah apa alasannya. Kadang saya cuma ingin tau kenapa, dan ngga akan menjatuhkan vonis apa-apa. Toh sudah tidak penting lagi, karna nyatanya semuanya bisa berjalan sekarang. However, once again, after all this time, I will keep questioning some of them. Dan cara paling kekanan-kanakan yang masih saya lakukan untuk mencegah semua hal yang bisa membuat saya mempertanyakan hal-hal yang telah lewat, adalah memutus semua hal yang bisa menjadi pemicu percakapan kosong di otak. Seorang teman pernah bilang, "Kenapa ya engga bisa kayak komputer, klik kanan terus langsung 'delete' gitu." That, my dear, is the first world problem.

They say curiosity killed the cat, I know. But just so you know, satisfaction bring him back. 

Thursday, April 06, 2017

A letter for you

When she is hesitating, the wave of uncertainty comes and swallow her. She is floating in the middle of her thought with nowhere to go. Strangely, she can still hear all the clock in the world ticking, reminding her that she has less time left. Panicking, she grabs the nearest branch she can reach, hoping that poor fragile thing can rescue her from the whirlpool of despair. Does she survive? That's the story I need to find out, after I can crawl my heart out of this haunting old memories.

In the midst of all of that, I hope she finally found out that she should not take the journey in the beginning, it is not worth the risk, knowing in the end, she will stay the same. Sane and beautiful, my ray of sunshine. It is a shame that she will never understand how her existence is my reason for keeping my feet on the ground, not hanging on some empty promises.

photos of me: yuliana
retouch: yours truly