Saturday, April 08, 2017

Typical Midnight Conversation with B

Somehow "Sometimes it's better left unsaid." is not fair. How about the other party, they should have know the complete story. 

Well, sometimes we just need to know. So we can erase unimportant bad assumptions.

I am aware, that, even if I knew, it won't change a thing. I just need to know why.

Yes, why that shit happened.

Kadang kita egois, merasa tau yang terbaik untuk orang lain. Menganggap tindakan kita yang paling tepat atas nama kebahagiaan orang lain. Entah apa alasannya. Kadang saya cuma ingin tau kenapa, dan ngga akan menjatuhkan vonis apa-apa. Toh sudah tidak penting lagi, karna nyatanya semuanya bisa berjalan sekarang. However, once again, after all this time, I will keep questioning some of them. Dan cara paling kekanan-kanakan yang masih saya lakukan untuk mencegah semua hal yang bisa membuat saya mempertanyakan hal-hal yang telah lewat, adalah memutus semua hal yang bisa menjadi pemicu percakapan kosong di otak. Seorang teman pernah bilang, "Kenapa ya engga bisa kayak komputer, klik kanan terus langsung 'delete' gitu." That, my dear, is the first world problem.

They say curiosity killed the cat, I know. But just so you know, satisfaction bring him back. 

Thursday, April 06, 2017

A letter for you

When she is hesitating, the wave of uncertainty comes and swallow her. She is floating in the middle of her thought with nowhere to go. Strangely, she can still hear all the clock in the world ticking, reminding her that she has less time left. Panicking, she grabs the nearest branch she can reach, hoping that poor fragile thing can rescue her from the whirlpool of despair. Does she survive? That's the story I need to find out, after I can crawl my heart out of this haunting old memories.

In the midst of all of that, I hope she finally found out that she should not take the journey in the beginning, it is not worth the risk, knowing in the end, she will stay the same. Sane and beautiful, my ray of sunshine. It is a shame that she will never understand how her existence is my reason for keeping my feet on the ground, not hanging on some empty promises.

photos of me: yuliana
retouch: yours truly

Sunday, February 05, 2017


  • Spent all of my money when I was in London for new year (shout out for every Londoners how can you guys survive and wear stylist clothes?)
  • Submitted all of the coursework in time
  • Went through exam week sanely
  • 2 from 4 autumn semester modules marks are out - I'm save, not gonna spend £120 for resits (well I hope, still waiting for exams result tho)
  • Spring semester in one day - my schedule is messy, I have two classes at the same time, need to do something about it
  • I will have class at Friday afternoon at Management School 
  • Zero snow until now
  • Bought like 5 books but read none
  • My skin is getting worse

So those are 2017 in bullet points so far.

Oh and here Zion.T new song "The Song", as cheesy as always:

Saturday, January 14, 2017


Kita tidak pernah benar-benar pergi. Bersamaan dengan kopor-kopor yang disiapkan (yang di dalamnya ada bumbu instan yang rasanya tak pernah asli) ada sidik jarimu tersisa. Di balik riak airmata di bandara, selalu ada doa tersemat. Kemarin akan jadi hari yang disilang merah. Kilometer memang bisa ditukar dengan rupiah yang tidak sedikit. Tidak sedikit, itu kuncinya. Tak sepadan, toh rindu tak bisa habis dalam semalam (atau dua, tiga malam).

Ada satu mantra yang tidak pernah lepas. Kita tau kapan kita akan kembali. Dan ke mana bukan lagi jadi kata tanya.

Draft II

[1 January 2017 13:40]
I think this is the right time, not too early, not too late that I think about it too much...
*tap* *tap*
Hi, Happy Birthday! Wish you all the good things in life!
Ehm, to cliche... better to add something to make it more personal.
*tap* *tap* *tap*
Hi J, Happy 25th Birthday! Wish you all the good things in life!
All right, all I need is to click send and leave it.
*tap* *send*

[1 January 2017 15:10]
*phone buzzing*
Oh no, is it... 
*tap* *tap*
Open? Yes.
Sender: J
Hi, thank you very much :) 
But I'm so sorry, I think I lost your number, who is this? :)
I knew it, never mind, you've already lost me a long time ago.

[1 January 2017 13:44]
Another Birthday, huh? Just another fine day...
*phone buzzing*
1 Text Message
Oh... Is that...
Sender: S
Hi J, Happy 25th Birthday! Wish you all the good things in life!
Why would S bother to remember... What should I do? S really shouldn't. I. Can't.
*tap* *tap*
Oh, well, you still remember my birthday! You don't really need to text me but thanks anyway! :)
Shit, am I crazy? No no I better cut this, clean and fine... Oh damn, I should hold it, not that I'm waiting or what... Right?
*tap* *tap*

[1 January 2017 15:09]
*tap* *tap*
Hi, thanks for the birthday wishes :) 
But I'm so sorry, I think I lost your number, who is this?
*tap* *send*
It's... okay, right? Not too harsh isn't? I added a smiley anyway, should be enough.

[31 December 2016 22:12]
Message > Draft
Hey, you know tomorrow is my birthday, since I always spend it with you I feel like kinda text you hehe no reason but anyway, how's life?
I don't even know how's life without you... Isn't that what we always do? We life our live without knowing it beforehand. So I think I could live my life well, could I?